RANT PART II

Salamat sa mga malulupit kong brod na hanep kung magpayo sa pakikibaka o sa laro man ng pag-iibigan at pagkakaibigan. Hindi ko aakalain na sa mga bibig niyo manggagaling ang mga sagot sa aking mga katanungan, marahil ako’y nagduda kung may pakialam nga ba kayo sa nararamdaman ng isang bagong miyembro ng pamilya. Salamat talaga. Pero ito lang, hindi kasi talaga tungkol sa pag-iibigan ang pinupunto ng mga malungkot kong ngiti, kundi ang masakit na tarak ng napunit na pagkakaibigan sa aking dibdib.

Masyado na ba akong makata? Patawad, sadyang hindi maiwasan na magtugma ang aking mga salita. Marahil dala ito ng malamig na kagabi o dahil sa taksil na salita ng naturingang kapatid. Emosyon ng nasugatan ang sumusulat nito ngayon, isang taong naghangad ng pagtitiwala ngunit huwad ang kanyang natamasa.

Umasa kasi akong hawak ko na ang iyong tiwala, na kahit anuman ang mangyari, alam mong hindi kita iiwan sa ere. Mukhang nagkamali yata ako, dahil konting kibot ko lang na taliwas sa inaasahan mo, sadyang pumuputok na ‘yang butsi mo. Hindi kita masisisi kung sa tingin mo’y hindi ka na makakakita ng kaibigang hindi ka sasaksakin patalikod ngunit sayang lang bagkus nang nasa harap mo na ito’y labis ka pang nagbubulagbulagan. Hindi ko alam kung ako’y maaawa sa iyong asal ngunit alam ko lang na hindi ako maghahabol magpakailanman.

Sana’y huling beses na akong magsusulat para sa’yo. Hindi lang talaga ako makapaniwala na sa lahat na pinagsamahan nating noong nakaraang semestre, itinuturing mo pa rin akong isang lobo sa gubat na madilim at handang sunggaban ka upang kitilin.

Masakit.

Nakakapanlumo.

Nakakawalang-gana.

Wala eh, ‘di pa pala sapat yung pagtakbo ko sa’yo sa tuwing may kailangan ka. Hayaan mo’t isa kang leksyon na hindi dapat magtiwala nang lubusan sa iba maliban sa sarili mo.

RANDOM I

Just like that, one week has gone past. Before you know it, the rest of the second semester will come crashing down at you. It will be exciting and tiring at the same time. It will make you want to poke your eyes out because there is too little sleep or because you watched two movies on a school night. Yeah, like the second one is even an option but it is! We procrastinate whenever we can. 😛

I have found the best sisig in LB. Dude, it has the right amount of everything in it. I want to marry it. It was really really good. Damn, I’m fangirling over sisig. This is real.

***I’m jumping from one thought to another but thank the universe there are paragraph.***

Thoughts and Doubts

I have never been this far from my family. Alone and on my own, five hours away from home (oh it rhymes and it’s not from a song I tell you). It’s nice to feel the vibe of freedom and all but at night before I close my eyes and drift away, I’ll think about my home, my family and the noise one’s making because he can’t find the remote. These things will make you miss everyone you know because let’s face it, in college you’re alone. Yes, you’ll have friends but there are things you have to do and learn all by yourself. That’s why college can make or break you. It’s all up to you and your choices.

As of now, college is breaking me. It is shattering me into smaller pieces than my true self. I have been having doubts if I can ‘survive’ the UP life when I feel like everyone is better than me. Admitting this confession to a public audience is already strange to me because I always thought that showing weakness is a big mistake. Here I am telling you, how weak and lost this current version of Alec is. College has a strange effect to me, I know.

Give me time to bounce back a lot stronger and determined than this. I can and will adapt to this environment and conquer this kingdom I once feared. I surely will because if there’s one thing concrete I know about myself is that, I can adapt. I just need the time and right kind of inspiration to rearrange my thoughts and trash my doubts. I’m still looking for that inspiration as of today but I know I’ll find it somewhere. Maybe it’s in Freedom Park, on the seats in D. L. Umali, in the rich taste of choco milk or maybe in the arms of Oble. When I finally found it, I’ll get back to you and share the experience.

These are the words of my unsure self, the doubts of my dubious mind and the broken determination of my being.

P. S.
This drama post may be the effect of getting a low score on my IT I lecture quiz last week. I’m sorry.